(Adopted by the Totalitarian Territories of Garbagea on July 19, 1839)
The Unanimous Declaration of the United Flotsam of Garbagea
When, in the course of capitalistic events, it becomes necessary for one philistine to dissolve the consumer brands which have connected them with another, and to assume powers beyond the scope of this earth or any other, to hold a separate and superior station to which the laws of nature and natural forces have no say, a complete disregard toward all life mandates that each philistine proclaim the causes which impel them to the separation so as to commercially gain from being exclusive and intensive.
We proudly hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created to expend, that they are endowed by their egos with certain insatiable wants, that chief among these are prosperity, power and the pursuit of permanence. That to secure these wants, a dictatorship is anointed by false promises, and its undisputable reign consolidated by the sheer desperation of its ignorant masses. That whenever any form of profuse fascism proves incapable of delivering, that the inhabitants always retain the right to look the other way and opt into a vigorous denial mechanism, which lays its foundation on principles of ennui and organizes thoughts in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to put into effect their usual schedule and sense of self gratification.
Caution and comfort zones, indeed, will dictate that sovereign rules long established should not be questioned or doubted for even the most disconcerting reasons; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.
But in the event that a person, place or idea steers a salmon course against the venerable rule of a unanimously feared ruler, appointed to power by divine right, such a person, place or idea will be deemed a sacrilegious act of treason and is punishable by Garbagean law. It is to be noted that when a long breath of health and productivity, trailing the object of sustainability, presents itself under the overarching parapluie of petrochemical dependent despotism, it is the sole right and sole duty of the head of state to vanquish such green zeal by buying out alternatives and squashing their patents to hoodwink loyal subjects and shield them for their own sake from such immature and hopeless rebellion. Garbageans know only one mode of subsistence- rapacious consumerism; to expose them to other means of sustenance would prove a cruel change of pace. Such has been the insufferable annoyances imposed upon Garbagea; and such is now the necessity which provokes Garbageans to alter their relatively glacial rate of consumer expansion to an aggressive use and throw campaign. The history of humanity is a history of repeated mistakes, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over the natural progression of life. We thus consider it only fair to impress upon the world more of what it has reveled in.
In every stage we have tried to be reasonable with the White Knights of collective welfare but their continued efforts to petition, rally, crowd source and execute strategic solutions grounded in thorough research has pushed our buttons past the point of reconciliation: our repeated admonitions have only further goaded these miscreants to plot new increasingly wily ways to demystify the devout act of devouring. An educated savior, whose character is thus marked by every informed act against the tyranny of significantly wealthier, slick-friendly states, is thus duly shunned from our refuse kingdom. Such a candidate also earns demerits for using words we have long banned in our dumped upon domains, such as and not restricted to: Reuse, Repurpose, Recycle, Remission, Restore, Regenerate, Retrace, Relay, Return, Rejoice…. It is Garbagean Decree that words capable of invoking positive associations especially with RE at the outset should never be uttered within the nation’s resin realty.
Nor have we been wanting in attention to our flower-child foes. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We are now forced to remind potential commandeers of eco-black-ops that we have near induced the apocalypse on more occasions than one and we are not afraid to carry our slimy scraps across the final stretch.
Let the records show that we have urged tree huggers to hear out our perspectives on extinction, we are but catalysts accelerating a decline that is already in place but their determination to survive and strike a balance, where tipping points have long been tipped over, prevents them from seeing reason. Our inability to see eye to eye on numerous issues has inevitably interrupted our connections and correspondence and thus it is the dictum of Garbagea that its denizens have no contact with philanthropic idealists. They have been deaf to the voice of materialism and immune to the code of consumer consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace potential subscribers.
So assembled, the grotesque floating colonies of Garbagea, with the prime intention of coagulating all of earth’s capillaries with post-consumer castaways and viscous globs of petrochemical industry, solemnly publish and declare, that Garbageans are absolved from all allegiance to the planet and are in no certain terms obligated to conserve non-renewable resources. As an independent ever burgeoning nation, with a totalitarian will that bears no consideration for the collective, Garbagea hereby assumes full power to levy war, proliferate grievances, broadcast agendas that promote solely the interests of Garbagea, oppress free-will, dictate and impose unsustainable frameworks of subsistence on other nations and to do all other acts and things which irresponsible nations with a strong sense of entitlement may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on mankind’s inherent affinity for self destruction, we, Garbageans, mutually pledge to each other yet others’ lives, and yet other’s fortunes and our sacred honor to advance our dark dominion over global affairs.